Eight: The Shift

Aaron, 30

I’d like to talk about Geoff, my brother.

His favourite movie was The Fully Monty. He was really bubbly and really funny. He was full of life.

We got on. Obviously we had fights. I think back about some of the stuff we used to do and you kind of feel a little twinge of regret. Every sibling kind of goes through that. We had a lovely relationship I’d like to think, especially towards the end. We’d go for drives and he really wanted to get chased by the cops! [laughs]

I was really into surfing and Geoff was really into cars. Cars and engines. If he got a new bike he’d pull it apart and try and put it back together. Like a brand new bike for Xmas. He’d want to take it apart and put new peddles or a new gear thing on it. That’s dad. Definitely. Dad's into his cars and stuff.

I was in my first relationship at the time. Geoff loved Heather. She was beautiful. She had a farm and her dad was kind of quite involved in the local go-kart thing. I think the first time my parents and her parents met was at the go-kart track with Geoff. It was kind of awkward and very weird for them I’m sure.

Something Geoff and dad would do regularly in Perth is go to go-kart tracks. Dad honestly says that he started to beat him. It was him. We went out to the farm, did a lot of driving, four wheelers and stuff. He loved it. It was good that we had that.

In my final year, Year 12, I was 18. I was a bit older than my peers at school because we had a fair bit of time off when we went to the UK. We lived in Scotland for a little while.

Geoff was in Year 8 the year that it happened. He had a lump on his back for quite a while … about six months. Mum’s a nurse and she’s got a bit of medical knowledge and background so we were a bit iffy.

We went to the doctors and it got wrongly diagnosed as a lump of fat. That would have been mid-2006, maybe early-2006. We got told it was a lump of fat and that it will probably get a bit bigger. So it did. It kept getting bigger.

We’ve got doctor friends but we didn’t go to one of those, we went to someone else. He broke his little toe or pinky playing soccer and we went to a friend for that to get it checked up. He had a look at the lump and said he wasn’t too happy and he took a biopsy of it. That was September 2007.

Two days later we got the phone call and got told it was cancer. You know how in cancer there’s like families and then there’s branches off of that? It was a random branch.

Chemo… I was in Year 12 and I was doing TEE.

[September’s getting pretty close to the crunch of Year 12?]

Before that, I’ve got to admit, I was just a C kind of student. Just passing.

So… he got sick. It’s funny how the memory kind of fades. Mum and dad say that they were up in Perth a lot with Geoff and that I spent a lot of time down here by myself. I can’t really remember that. I was going to school and I remember people dropping food off and things like that.

He did about three or four months of chemo. His lump on his back really shrunk. It was maybe the size of a fist. It was pretty substantial and that shrunk. It was all kind of, “It’s looking good. It’s looking good.”

Heather would drive up to Perth with me. I remember when he was sick, that me, Geoff and Heather stayed at a motel together. We’d hang out.

I hate seeing sick kids and PMH sucked. It was rough with just the amount of kids there. We were at Ronald McDonald and it really pissed mum off. You’d get groups come in and cook for Ronald McDonald but it would be white bread and just crap food and things like that. Getting baskets from the Cancer Foundation with lollies and all this stuff.

There’s a few adverts that pop up on YouTube about Ronald McDonald House where they are sitting down and talking about how good they were. That makes me a bit “mmmmh”. We were all couped into a tiny unit. After chemo, Geoff was so sick he couldn’t move for a few days. He’d start feeling better, then the next day he’d go in and get loaded up again. It was full-on.

If he heard the Ambulances coming in, he used to love racing down to the A&E to see what was coming in the door. This was when he was first diagnosed.

Two days after being loaded up with chemo he’d come good but the next day he’d be back in there.

He was one of the oldest there. There were a couple of boys there around 12 or something like that that he was close with.

He had the surgery and got it cut out. I remember him being really upset because he wanted to drag the tumour behind the car on the drive back from Perth [laughs]. They threw it out. When he woke up that was the first thing he said.

We came back and then he started Year 9. It must have been February 2007. His first checkup was on Valentine’s Day and they saw the Secondaries. Small bits but riddled through him.

I wasn’t at school because I’d graduated 2006. I didn’t end up doing my TEE, exams or anything like that.

I probably used that as a bit of an excuse but looking back I couldn’t imagine putting yourself through that while all this was going on.

It was my first year out of school. He was 14 and got told he had Secondaries. I wasn’t in on these conversations but the doctors were kind of saying that, “We’ve got a chance, keep chemo up.”

But chemo absolutely knocked him for six. He was like, “No… I don’t want to do chemo again!”

That was also with a lot of talks with friends and stuff that are looking at it and going, “I don’t know, it could just …”

I think my parents were supportive of whatever he wanted to do. I haven’t looked at the scans and stuff like that but I think it was fairly riddled through him. In his lungs and all that.

With the first scan there was meant to be some tiny little things where they’d said, “We don’t think it’s that.” They had grown by the second time.

I remember the phone call from mum – they were up in Perth – saying he had it again and it wasn’t good. Me and Heather drove up to Perth. I remember being at that service station just before Armadale and mum saying, “We think he might die. He’s probably going to die.” It was pretty confronting.

Mum and dad and Geoff really had talks. Mum has got a bit of a Buddhist background and they are so open about it. They had people come in and talk to Geoff. In terms of death, he had a pretty good death I like to think.

He was so amazing. He was so ready. He died on April 14, exactly two months after he found out he had Secondaries.

[It seems very quick.]

I didn’t have any knowledge of cancer but now you hear about people going through it for years.

It was the last two weeks of his life that he was bed-ridden. I remember he’d only eat Lindt chocolate. Just suck on a piece of chocolate.

Mum’s got a beautiful photo of him in the shower about two weeks before. She remembers Geoff asking, “When do you think I’ll die?” Mum said, “You’re the one that’s got to answer that.” He said, “Two weeks.”

He died two weeks later to that day. It was crazy.

He was in mum and dad’s bed. He loved cars and wanted a Ferrari Red coffin. We have a big downstairs area where we could open some French doors. We just left the coffin there with some pens. People would walk in and write on the coffin. That was all happening when he was alive.

He was talking about where he wanted his ashes spread. He was very aware that he was dying.

I remember saying, “I don’t like coming home.” He was so sick, like a frail little bird almost. You’d lay next to him and hold his hand and he wouldn’t really talk. He was definitely dreaming a lot of the time. He’d open his eyes and say some random stuff.

One of mum’s regrets, I think, is that he was doped up a little bit. You could see the tumour starting to burst.

Dad and I were laying next to him. It was amazing. He was breathing so shallow with such a long time between each breath. Every time you’d be, “Is he going to take another one?”

So we all just sat there. “We love you. We love you. It’s all good.” … and that was it.

[That sounds very intense.]

I kind of appreciate it a bit more now. I can’t really remember what happened that afternoon. I think he passed away around 1pm.

People would come and see him when he was sick… kind of. I remember they’d break down and stuff. He didn’t really like that and mum would say, “They’re afraid of dying Geoff. It’s all just them showing you their fears.”

[Quite often shielding happens where people will hold back other people who will make it more distressing for the person who’s ill.]

I think he stayed in the bed for a few days and people were allowed to come and visit. Then the funeral home came after two or three days.

The funeral would have been a week or something later. It’s funny. I looked at photos of the funeral that I haven’t looked at in years a little while ago. Your memory just starts coming back.

I was lost.

I can’t even imagine if it didn’t happen and where I’d be. So many people have such a negative view on death and what it brings and that it only brings negativity. I’ve come to definitely appreciate that Geoff and the experience that I went through has taught me a lot, awakened me to what’s important and what’s not in the world. I’ve also seen the shift in mum and dad as well. They’re different. Especially dad. In good way.

Geoff awoke us to a different way of seeing. I often think who was I before it happened and where would I have gone if it hadn’t happened? I feel that I’m in a better place now than I would have been. That’s a weird thing maybe.

[When you confront something quite young it can be really formative.]

It’s had a huge effect, deeply inside, on who I am. It sparked a little spiritual thing in me. I really got into consciousness and what is consciousness for a while. I still love looking up Quantum Physics and all this crazy stuff. Just thinking about Physics and all that stuff. Energy can not be made or destroyed. Everything’s one. I just started getting all those little things.

It sparked something in me that I think has made me a better person.

My girlfriend’s best friend’s partner lost his brother the day after in a car crash and we have completely different views of it. I’ve tried talking about it [with him] but he just dismisses it as a sad topic.

I’ve got such a good relationship with my mum and dad. They split up six months after Geoff died. Mum said it was up in the air but it would have never happened before Geoff turned 18. I heard a stat – I don’t know how true it is – that 70% or 80% of couples that lose a kid don’t survive it. That’s massive numbers so I don’t know how true it is.

[Maybe there is some feeling of blame. Regardless of how irrational it is, surely questions arise like “If we’d done this, maybe that wouldn’t have happened.”]

They tried a little trip to reignite the spark about a year or so later, going to Bali. Dad’s Appendix burst the second day in so they were in hospital for like three weeks.

They are extremely close still. The three of us hang out often, especially on his anniversary. We always go and do something nice. I know mum and dad catch up for coffees and that all the time.

Heather was gutted when he passed away. She went to Canada at the end of 2007. I was really cut then when that happened. First big breakup. I was planning on going over and seeing her and all that. It was a lot. That was around when mum and dad broke up. She got pregnant with a dude in the next year. I still remember that stinging a bit.

I ran into her a couple of years after and she was saying how much Geoff definitely opened her eyes to what can happen.

Geoff’s death definitely had a pretty big impact on his friends. They were very much involved, especially his best friend at the time, who I’m good friends with now. His whole family was actually pretty impacted by it. I think they even went and got some counselling.

I went to counselling once because mum really wanted me to try it out but I felt how we were dealing with it was ok. The conversations we were having were pretty good. Maybe I found it a bit prescribed. You kind of know what a counselling process is and it kind of fell right into that. It would have been six months to a year after he died.

I’ve always been able to talk about it. Sometimes I choke up but not really. Sometimes I get upset when I see something real on TV that kind of clicks in what hospital was like then I kind of start feeling it.

I did not speak at his funeral. I remember being in the car, following the hearse. My good friend’s mum is a funeral celebrant and a child psychologist. She did it. I remember her talking. Maybe Geoff’s best friend’s mum spoke. She’s a local primary school teacher.

I remember holding it together until I was a pallbearer. I remember starting to cry then. I just remember that. After the ceremony had been done, everyone hugged.

It’s funny. I looked at some photos to refresh for this and I couldn’t remember certain people being there, like cousins. The amount of people that were there that I didn’t realise were there.

Geoff was in Year 9 and I was in Year 12. It’s a big separation. One year is massive but then out of school I’m friends with people who are six years younger. We’ve all kind of grouped. Looking at them, “You were there and you look about 10!” [laughs]

[It’s interesting that you have blocked so much out.]

It was 12 years ago. I remember driving there. I don’t remember what was said. He had a song which I don’t even remember what it was. He chose it. He spoke with mum and dad about his funeral. He was pretty active in planning his funeral.

He got cremated. I’ve got some of his ashes still. I think mum, dad and I all have a few. On the first anniversary we went out to his favourite beach. He loved snorkelling around the rocks there. If you walk around the rocks on the left-hand side of the beach – it’s hard to find – but there’s a nice little plaque that was put up for Geoff.

We went out and all had a shot throwing the ashes. I remember that being a very powerful and beautiful kind of experience.

On the top of the mountain here there was an old lookout seat. Mum and dad got in contact with the council and said, “If we paid for a new seat,” they asked it to be repositioned a bit so it looked more towards the beach, “Would you guys put it in?” They agreed.

He’s got a seat and a really nice little plaque there. If you’re there – he used to call it the love seat – and you walk down the rocks and over a couple of bushes, there’s an amazing cutout in a rock. Two people can easily sit in it and it’s like one of those pod chairs. You’re hidden away. That was his spot and he loved going there. That is where we go to remember him.

The last three or four years we’ve walked up the hill early in the morning. If I wasn’t here, I know mum and dad would have caught up. We go there more often. I go to the beach a fair bit because I love it out there. If I’m out there I’ll go and check the plaque out. The plaque there is very much from the Smith family.

Geoff and I were at that age where we would spent every weekend at a mate’s house. It was rare for us to have sleepovers at home, we normally went somewhere else. I preferred going out. Mum and dad were embarrassing. Now looking back I realise they’re not. They’re some of the coolest parents I know.

Geoff was the first to die close to my age. It maybe numbed me a little bit. I’ve lost a couple of friends but not a best friend. I haven’t lost anyone as close.

I was pretty close to my dad’s parents and they passed away. I didn’t cry or anything like that. My granddad passed away really fast and my grandma was a bit slower. She had a bit of dementia and I went and visited her and she just wanted to die. She was funny [laughs] and she was just saying it.

That might have added to me not getting so upset.

My grandfather died in 2014 and my grandmother in 2015 or 2016. I didn’t find those deaths hard to deal with.

I lost one friend that I was close to back in the day but I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years. It feels like he’s still alive and I haven’t caught up with him yet. I missed his funeral.

The fact that it happened so quick with Geoff is almost a blessing. Mum kept in contact with some of the kids at the hospital and five years down the track, they still had it and they’d lost both legs… then they’d die a year later.

After Geoff died, I definitely felt people were a bit weary around me. Some girls were silly. You’d be out at a party and they’d start crying and all that crap. That was definitely going on. It was that age group.

I’ve been lucky because surfing has kind of linked me up with older guys so a lot of my friends are in their mid-30s. I was surfing with older guys and they’d say, “I’m really sorry about your brother.” That was about it.

One of those guys – his mum committed suicide when he was 14 – was the only mate that asked how I was going directly. There was only one out of a lot who understood that getting someone to talk about it is actually a good thing.

I still need to acknowledge that and recognise that when I talk to someone that has just lost someone because I still find myself being a bit hesitant. I remember so vividly that it really helped talking about it. I still have this little fear thing and I don’t know what that is.

There’s just different perspectives on death and the way I look at it could almost insult someone.

A couple of friends have lost people. One friend who lost her mum got in contact and wanted go and have a chat. Because they know I have lost someone, they’ve confided in me a little bit. That was the only one really.

I’m very open in talking about my experience making me who I am. I know that openness came from the experience itself. Often I wonder, would I have been more egocentric? It really opened my eyes to others.

After Geoff passed away in 2007 I went travelling over to the UK. Most of my family is in Scotland.

I’ve got two cousins in Australia, two aunties, two uncles. I’d see them maybe once every couple of years. Not that close. That’s dad’s side.

I go over to Scotland, haven’t seen them in six years and it’s just got that feeling of family. All my family kind of stuff has been over there. I went and lived and worked there for six months. I met some mates and we did Europe, drove a car around Spain and surfed and stuff.

Mum’s mum is a fervent Catholic and she took Geoff’s death pretty rough. When I was over there she’d always talk about how sorry she was.

Both grandmas were very distressed by his death. I remember dad’s mum saying, “It shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t be.” I don’t really remember the conversations I had with mum’s mum I remember her saying that, “You’re parents will get back together.” [laughs]

I don’t exactly know how my granddads would have taken it. I don’t remember having any in-depth conversations about it. Dad’s side is very shut off in comparison. I definitely talked about it much more with my aunties and uncles over there. I’ve never talked about it with my aunties and uncles over here. We talk about Geoff and stuff but never go in deep.

I was smoking a bit of weed before Geoff’s death but not much. I never went into a binge phase. It was in the years where you’d go out every weekend. I think I maybe used that as a form of self-medication. I don’t remember any phase though were I was hitting anything very hard.

He wore that bandana. Mum gave all his stuff away as a healthy thing. A mate came and got his skateboard and has still got it. One of my good mates, my best friend really – we were the cool guys to Geoff – got all of Geoff’s computer stuff. Everything that was kind of valuable to him got given to a person.

That’s the opposite of my girlfriend’s friend’s partner whose brother passed away the day after, they haven’t touched his room to this day.

[That’s a bit dark.]

His alarm still goes off in the morning kind of thing. If he’s around and this comes up, you don’t know where you can step.

So I’ve got the bandana and I’ve randomly got a pair of his boxers in my jock drawer. I don’t know why. I think I stole them when he was still alive. I don’t wear them or anything, they’re just there.

He got me a watch. It was really nice. Another friend had his birthday party. When he was drunk he got on the microphone and told the story of Geoff. He’d take Geoff off and do burn outs and stuff like that in his big 4WD. Everyone would have known and he was like, “Everyone needs to put some money in this fucking hat!” He got like $500 and Geoff got me a watch with that. He engraved it with, “To Aaron from Geoff. Brothers forever.” Which is really nice.

Mum’s still got his pushy but it’s rusty.

I’ve always had that bandana with me. It’s one of those CanTeen things. He used to wear that over his head.

Mum took a lot of photos, even of him dead and stuff. She never looks at them. It’s just there. I haven’t looked at them for ages but it’s weird knowing that they’re there. I probably would now but I wouldn’t have thought of doing it I imagine.

 

Return to Interviews

Return to start page