Eight: The Shift

George, 55

I’ve been working in the funeral industry for about two and half years but, as a Chaplain, I’d been doing a lot of funeral services.

I used to travel around with the Presbyterian Inland Mission up to the South Australia border and into the desert and to all the Aboriginal communities. I used to visit lots of farms, suicide farmers and things like that… I did a lot of services.

Travelling around took a toll on the family. That’s why you can’t do it for too long. Two four year stints was long enough. I couldn’t do it anymore as it affects your family too much. I used to do about 140,000km a year.

I spent eight years doing that and then the local community asked me if I would go into the funeral industry. It surprised me because the people asked me if we could bring a bit more traditionalism back. They found that the traditional funeral service was starting to wane and it was going out of fashion.

They felt that the modernisation of the funeral industry was too rapid and that they couldn’t grieve enough.

If you look at the demographics of this community, one in 34 are Christians. There are a lot of churches here and in the surrounding areas. The Christian faith is quite dominant here. I think this town is the second most Christian-dominant town in all of Australia.

They felt that the Christian part of the service was, with the other Funeral Directors, leaving.

It’s a family service. Even in a Christian perspective it’s not biblical to have it in a church service. It’s always been a family affair. Even if you go back through the Old and New Testament of the Bible, it’s always been family. It’s never been associated around a temple or a church. If family choose to use that, that’s their choice.

They’ve got to grieve the way they’ve got to grieve. They believe what they believe. I may not agree with their belief but the Bible is very clear. That I must love my neighbour as myself. I’ve got to treat him with the love and respect that he deserves as another human being.

Unless they ask me I will never bring faith up. They’ll have to ask me for me to bring it up. Other than that, I let them grieve the way they want to grieve. It’s their family. It’s their life.

What I can do is that I can show what Christ demands of us and that is to love your neighbour as you love yourself. To show the true Christian spirit.

That can be done not by words, that can also be done by actions. Empathy and giving them what they want to help them get through it.

A lot of people in the community know that I have a faith. Even though they don’t, they still come here. They still use us.

True Christianity is not exclusive. It’s inclusive. I think we’ve all got to help each other. That’s why we were put here for.

This is just a venue for me. I say to people, “You’ve got to do services where you want them.”

I’ve done services on the beach. I’ve done services on farms. People will only use a place like this for convenience. They can do everything in one hit. There’s a carpark and a catering room and a function room. They can do everything in one place.

They don’t have to bring everyone back to their home but some people want that because that’s what their loved one wanted. They may have a service here but they won’t have a function here. They’ll go back to the farm or down to the beach.

Funeral services are very personal. I couldn’t even give you a common trend.

Don’t get me wrong, people will use this venue that are not Christian in their belief. They will still have their own service which is fine. It’s what they need to do. I’m just there to support them.

You meet incredibly interesting people in this job. You get them at the worst moment in their life but at their best character. Their shields have dropped and the privilege is that they drop it to you. They do it in confidence too so there’s a lot there to remember. There’s a lot of things they’ll say that you just can’t repeat. It is a privilege and you get a chance to talk to lots of people. It truly a special thing.

Me and my wife have lost a child. We lost an 11-year old so we understand what they’re going through, especially those who have lost children. We can help them a lot.

We’re blessed to be in Western Australia because the regulations here are quite tough. Exploitation mainly happens in Victoria, Queensland or New South Wales where the industry is very deregulated. I’m hoping it never happens here. I don’t like the idea of Funeral Directors having their own crematoriums. I just think it’s just wrought with danger. I like the idea that funeral homes are controlled by boards and by the State Governments.

Those stories of exploitation have never happened in Western Australia or in Victoria.

[It’s a perception thing. People are very nervous going into that meeting.]

Perception is also something that people see and how you behave. They have to be able to feel that trust straight away. They’ve got to be able to feel that they can trust you with their loved one. I treat everybody the same. I treat people the way I like to be treated.

Unfortunately, you’ve got backyard operators but not in Western Australia thank goodness. The laws are a bit tougher here. It also depends on the independent shires. Their health departments and how strict they are.

We’re very fortunate. We’ve got a great board run by the community but obviously the council and the government have oversight. We’re very community-driven and we love the people in our community.

Even though it’s quite a big community, we tend to treat each other with a bit of respect.

[The Hospice here is extraordinary.]

They’re amazing. We’ve got a good relationship with them and they’ve got a good relationship with us. We all work together. There’s an end goal.

The end result is none of us are immortal. It’s going to happen to me too. It’s going to happen to my family members, just like it’s happening to theirs. I always say, “How would I want to be treated?”

If there’s family harmony you can do a funeral real quick because they’re all on the one page. They’re all thinking quick and they’re all making decisions that are all the same.

When you’ve got family conflict where they haven’t spoken for 10, 15, 20 years and all of a sudden they’ve got to bury mum or dad, you’re basically doing two funerals.

You’re actually an intermediary standing in-between both. You’re relaying what this one says to that one and so forth.

I had a sad funeral very recently where a young one suicided. I had to be the intermediary between the families. The sad thing about it was that on both sides they were quite beautiful people. For me, it was easy. All I had to do was portray that person’s thoughts to this person but in a loving way and yet get the same result.

[It’s just a tone issue.]

A simple thing like music for example. One person will ask, “Can I have this piece of music?” I’ll then go to the others and say, “They’ve picked this song because of this. I’ve had a listen to it and I think it’s quite good. They’re obviously interested in your opinion.”

Straight away they think, “Alright. Fair enough.” They then have a listen.

It’s how you relay their information to them. That’s the privilege of the job.

There is humour in death but I’ve never had a funeral yet where even the ones with an incredible sense of humour will not have a tear. They have humorous moments because they are reflecting on a memory but when they actually do a viewing, they don’t have humorous moments anymore. They do grieve. They just grieve differently. Their grief is real.

I’ve noticed that you are in a room with them on your own, talking to them, they grieve. As soon as they step out with their family members they change.

I’ve never come across one who he was humorous from whoa to go. I reckon they do grieve, they just grieve in their own way. They don’t want to grieve in front of people they know but they will grieve in front of a Funeral Director or somebody else.

You do deal with people’s issues [with the passing of someone] because you are their point of contact. They tend to talk to you about it. I don’t always mention that I’ve lost a son. Very rare that I do that. I only mention it when I notice that they’re really struggling with their grief.

Because they might say, “What do you know?!” I can go, “I lost an 11-year old and I know exactly what space you are in. You really need to realise that – I’m going to be honest with you – you never get over this. You only live with it. Today you’re not in a good space and you won’t be in a good space tomorrow either. The space gets better but it doesn’t mean you ever forget. You need to just focus on the day that you are on.”

[Empathy is a very strong tool.]

Be honest with their grief. I’d be lying if I’d think you are going to get over it. That’s just a myth. You never get over it.

I lost my son and 10 years later I can smell something or hear something and it will bring a tear to my eye. That’s going to happen until you die. You’ve got to remember that person has left a footprint. Don’t focus on the last week or the last day. Focus on their whole life. They’ve left a footprint. You’re here because they were here. You need to focus on that aspect of their life as well. Don’t forget that, otherwise you’ll miss the joy.

I was born here, stayed here until I was in my teens then came back again in my early thirties. It’s always hard to bury someone you know. You never get over that either really. I suppose burying somebody that is older is easier for me.

Only once have I stepped back from doing a service. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I reckon I could have but I wasn’t sure.

[It’s always a problem in a small town because you know everyone.]

In this industry you get to know more. Maybe they get to know you more than you get to know them. I get to know the immediate family. I’ll remember four or five of them but I won’t remember all of them. They’ll always remember me. I might be in the queue at the bank and they’ll go, “How you going George?” I’ll be, “Mmmm… Right?”

Even then, you’ve got to say, “How are you?”

Some stand out that I’ll remember forever.

I always try and be professional but I’m not frightened of showing watery eyes. It also shows sincerity to the people.

I put the dam up with this last family. I was grieving for them. I had a little bit of water in my eye and I feel for them. I really did. If they see it, they know you’re genuine.

If I’m just going to act professional, without showing sincerity, then it’s just a job.

[You mirror what’s happening around you.]

I think humans are very emotional creatures by habit. I think we’re made that way. I think it shows sincerity and the family will then always trust you. That’s important to me.

I didn’t go into the funeral industry for money. I can do anything and I don’t need to do this. Before I did this I was a supermarket manager, all around the country as an area manager. I’ve got vast retail experience. I can run any supermarket.

Anybody who gets into this industry for money, exploiting or doing the wrong thing by people, needs to get out. They’re not doing this industry any good at all. They’re actually hurting this industry and they are affecting people’s grief. That’s not right.

I’m on the board of an aged care facility in Perth. One of our driving focuses has been to look at people.

You don’t even have to hear what they say, you should be able to read a person’s face by looking in their eyes. You can pick an emotion out.

My 11-year old was born with a heart defect. He had a heart operation then a heart transplant and he got to the age of 11 but then the heart eventually rejected. The immune system got ahold of it and worked out how to beat it. He passed which is sad.

He had a very hard life. Miss him dearly. You never get over it, you just live with it. You only live with it because you are forced to live with it.

That’s what I’ll say to people when their loved one comes in. In the first initial contact I have with the family I’ll say, “Let’s be honest. You don’t want to be here. I’m not offended. You don’t want to be here. You’re forced to be here. Now it’s my job to give you what you want. We need to lay this loved one to rest.”

It’s something that everybody goes through in their own different part of life. People are very interesting.

My son was a very jovial character and had a very positive outlook on life. He was hanging around adults a lot, always around doctors and nurses, not so much with children because he was always a hospital child. He was more advanced in their years than you’d think. He had an incredible sense of humour.

[Do you think that came from his illness?]

I think he saw it differently. We’re a Christian family so his faith was very strong. He saw death in a very positive light. He knew he was going to die. He never talked about ever getting old. Never talked about growing up and always lived for the day.

He was able to go to school off and on, depending on how sick he got because his immune system was suppressed.

We did have to go live in Melbourne for 19 months to get his heart transplant. He was here towards the end. Me and my wife did a fly-in, fly-out type of thing.

There’s my daughter, the oldest then Simon – the one that passed – and my youngest boy. When Simon died he was only six. It’s been a few years now. It’s affected all of us. If anything it’s made us stronger. They look at death differently. They love the industry, absolutely love it.

Children who have heart transplants are different than the adults. It’s very rare that children will get to 15 or 16. He was the youngest in Australia to have a heart transplant at the time. He was three when he had it. He was very, very young.

I know that the donor was a young child from Queensland. It had to be the same age. We did write to the parents but they never replied. It’s up to the giver to decide if they want to communicate with the receiver.

It was a strange night because we knew it was a chance of life for ours but someone out there was majorly grieving. They’d just lost theirs. It was a very mixed night. It wasn’t a joyful night. It was a neutral night.

The funeral was done with our Church so it was very much a Church service. A lot of the transplant team came. One came from Melbourne. A Cardiologist from Perth came down. Simon had a special relationship with the Cardiologist. The bloke loved him. That was a big service. Very, very big. That was a really traditional Christian service.

His siblings had their grieving moments but it made them stronger. They look at death differently than other kids.

I don’t actually remember much of the funeral day. You’re in a zone. You remember it but you don’t remember it in detail. Other people would but you wouldn’t. I remember the day clear as anything but it wasn’t a day that stood out to me.

He was buried. I used to regularly visit his grave but not so much now. That’s because of my Christian beliefs. To me, that’s just his body. He professed that himself.

I’m a burial man. I just thinking burying someone gives better closure. What I’ve seen in this industry is that people who do burials have better closure.

It’s a place of rest. They see him go down and rest. They grieve deeply at a graveyard more than a cremation. I’ve noticed when I speak to them a year or two years later they get over it a lot better than the cremation ones.

[It’s perhaps much more tangible in some way.]

They know where they are.

It’s an interesting thing. With a recent suicide the father was a cremation man but he wanted to bury his child because he wanted a place to go. I asked him if that changed his view now and he goes, “I’ll definitely be buried now.”

If you want to hold onto something then you’ll bury. If you want to move on you tend to cremate.

On the other hand, burying his child has helped him move on.

The younger generation are changing too. Burials are coming a little bit more frequent now. Mainly because of the carbon footprint. Younger ones are a bit more aware of it. I know some younger ones and they say, “Look… it’s a 300 point carbon footprint to burn, only 30 to bury.”

A lot of people come in here and want to do natural burials. It’s not used a lot because they can’t be buried with their loved one. As soon as you tell them that they can’t be buried in the same plot, it’s finished. Not interested.

The way they do it now with the concrete plinths, not covering the whole grave, there’s not much difference between the two anyway in carbon footprint. In actual fact, you leave a better carbon footprint with the traditional burial because you can put three in a grave. It takes less space and it’s easier to dig the second time so you’re using less diesel and you’re using less energy.

To me, these natural burials are not as good as the ones they do now. It’s just a sales gimmick. The cemetery board loves it because they get a plot for one person instead of one plot for three people. They get $5,000-$6,000 for three graves where they otherwise would only get $1,500.

I’m sad when I see people do that. I don’t say anything because it’s not my business but that, to me, is exploitation.

They way they do it here is that they have all these long concrete plinths that they construct in advance. You used to be able to get a granite stone over the whole grave but you can’t do that anymore. You can only have the headstone on the plinth. That way they can mow over the top.

I reckon it’s neater anyway and it looks nice. You can put three in a grave and if you don’t want to have a headstone then don’t put a headstone on.

It’s more natural because you’ve got three in a grave.

If you go to the old cemeteries they can look terrible. It will look beautiful when the cemetery here is finished. When it’s all full and the trees are up, the headstones are on with nice green grass through it all. People can walk through.

I like cemeteries because they’re historical to me. When I go and see my son’s grave I’ll go and walk up and down a few rows going, “Oh… I knew that bloke. Look at that one.”

Now they’ve got these beautiful laser headstones where you can put on a picture of the person. There are a couple of stunning headstones here. Incredible laser technology has been available in the last year. The headstones are amazing.

I’m thinking, “Why would I want to go a natural burial?” If I want to use a natural burial coffin, I can do it in there too. That way I can be buried with my wife and I’ve just saved myself another fee.

Traditional Christian funerals are done by the Minister. If you want a eulogy the Minster might read out a bit of a eulogy.

It gives me great comfort that, because of my Christian faith, I believe I will see my son again. To me, a funeral service like that is just a reassurance that this is just temporary. We don’t live long on this earth. The average age is three score and 10. If you look at it, it’s only 74 on average across the world.

We knew his death was going to happen, we just didn’t know when. It’s not as though we were living in denial. He didn’t need me to tell him that. He knew himself.

If I’m honest with myself, I wouldn’t think his death changed me. Maybe it did? I don’t think it changed my outlook on life because I think life has a destiny. Maybe you bring your kids up a bit differently, maybe value them a bit more.

He’s always in your memory, always in your heart. The part you’d like to keep, you can’t have. That’s the character and the conversation.

All Funeral Directors are a bit different because of what we are and what we believe in. The end result is that I think it’s an industry of privilege. Like I said, you get them at their worst time but best character. You truly get to see who that person really is.

[I like this image of a veil dropping.]

It doesn’t matter if you have faith or not, we are all the same in that area. We’ve all got that veil. You see something that you don’t see out on the street.

 

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